I’m tired

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Today I’m struggling. Not for myself emotionally, but over concept and belief. Two deaths in my small town in as many days. Both fairly young, 26 and late 30’s. One a motorcycle accident, one a suicide. Both have ripple effects through our community and through my history in education as well. 
TJ was 26. I taught him my 2nd or 3rd year in the classroom. And his wife. And I’m his little girl’s counselor. He failed to navigate a curve on his motorcycle and wasn’t wearing a helmet. 
Melinda was closer to my age. I was her sister’s teacher my 1st year teaching. Her little girls would visit my classroom waiting on their aunt. I was her nephew’s counselor. I’ve known her parents for 20 years. She took her own life. 
I’m angry. Both of these deaths are selfish. (My blog, my opinion, my safe space). 
Why are you blessed with 2 little girls and you don’t have the sense to wear a helmet? You’ve changed the rest of their lives! Will they be ok? They can be, but it’ll be a struggle, and depending on how they’re raised it might always be an excuse. You took a chance with their lives too when you ride without a helmet. And I already see that baby’s face full of tears because you’re gone. You took her to the daddy/daughter dance at school. It’ll be the last dress up picture she has with you. 
And you? 3 kids, grandkids, and you couldn’t think of anyone else. I understand mental illness. Do you think it hasn’t crossed my mind? That I haven’t looked at my xanax bottle and wondered if it was enough? Or looked at the glint of a sharp knife and thought how quick it could be? I suffer from depression and anxiety. No, I’m not suicidal, but I’ve been there. I’ve wondered. But even though I have no kids, will never have kids, I’ve still thought it was too selfish an act. And you had so much family. You still have parents, kids, and you have selfishly taken from them. 
Selfishness comes in so many forms.

 I’m guilty. I know I’m guilty. 

But the loss those left behind are suffering…I’m just angry and tired. 

Tomorrow I’ll return to a regular schedule at the end of the school year.  The boss who dislikes me, the kids I try to serve in what little time I’m allowed. The meetings I’ll schedule the next few weeks that there haven’t been time for this semester. Filling out applications hoping to find a job that doesn’t split my focus between needs of tiny hearts and legal implications of not following accommodations.

I’ll give it my best and I will make it through. But I’m just tired. 

2nd try? 

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I can’t believe it’s been almost 5 years since I visited this blog. Do you ever have a great idea, you’re really gung-ho about it and then as weeks and months pass it fades into oblivion? I can look around my house and see many examples of this-the expensive tennis shoes because dammit I’m going to run a 5k. The miles of colored floss because cross stitch will be my thing. The dusty sewing machine and patterns from…well, I’m not admitting that, but suffice to say this is a pattern that has repeated itself. A lot. 
Lately, I’ve found myself needing an outlet (insert sexual innuendo here 😜). I love to crochet and knit, but since arthritis began rearing its ugly and untimely head, I’ve noticed myself less inclined to reach for yarn. I admin several groups on Facebook, but it’s not the place for random chatter. I’ve begun to use my real Facebook account less and less because FB isn’t really what it used to be, so maybe it’s time to share my thoughts here. 

My goal is still anonymity, but maybe there’s an audience for my voice. It might only be me, it might be someone else, but whoever it is, I’m speaking. 

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One bound heart, that was not free to give, was given anyway
Whether right or wrong it was done.
Another bound heart was also given, despite its pledge to another.

Two hearts tangled up in conflict loved each other-
Purely, truly, honestly.

In what seemed an instant one heart closed
And rejected the other
No explanation, no goodbye.

The heart that remains is battered and bruised.
It seeks answers that it cannot find
It seeks love that is no longer there.

It recognizes its soul mate, but is afraid to ask what it did wrong, and suffers alone.
What begins as silent tears turns into painful sobs of despair, confusion, and loss.

My heart was not free, but it loved purely, honestly, and completely.
And now the shattered pieces try to learn to beat again as tears continue to fall.

The Bound Hearts

Anonymity

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There are lots of things I’d love to share here but I’m torn.  I want to stay anonymous.  I think it’ll be far easier to share my thoughts and feelings without fear of misinterpretation or the gossip that comes with a small town if I don’t attach my real identity to this blog.  But there are things that I want to share-photos, knitting, LOL’s of the day-that would make me identifiable if any of my Facebook friends ever stumbled across this page.  I can quit sharing those things on Facebook and just post them here, but that’s my way of staying in touch with so many friends and family members who are far away.  I could just not post those things here, but that limits the purpose of a blog for me, because I’m doing this as an outlet.  Decisions, decisions…. Anybody else have this issue?

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I heard a voice this morning.
It’s a warm, intelligent voice I love so much.
I was excited that it was coming closer.
You were coming to say hello.

Hello.
Such a small word.
But the act of taking time to reach out and make contact made my heart soar.

It would have been so nice to hear you speak to me and see your sweet smile.
But the voice carried on past my door.
The sound of your footsteps faded away.

I was left alone wondering what I had done

You said forever.  It hasn’t been forever yet.
Love can fade and passion can cool
Mine hasn’t.
But if I have to lose the love of my life,
Couldn’t I still have my friend?

You were my best friend.
You told me my friendship was pricelessly treasured.
Where are you now?

I need you.

You promised.

11-7-11

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Word, thoughts, emotions, heart, and soul
Flowing freely with the power of a mighty river
Unlike a dam which is built naturally over time, and allows the water time to find a new path-
This wall came up with a suddenness-
A force-
There’s nowhere else for the surging river to escape

Except as tears flowing out of a confused and broken heart.

The Dam

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I once awakened something inside you, something you thought was dead.
You were the piece of my heart I didn’t realize was missing.
You asked me how I cast this spell over you.

I wish I knew, because then maybe you would love me again.
But the truth is I did nothing.
I was your friend and I freely gave you my love and affection.

So I wait.
I will be your friend.
I will freely give you my love and affection.
And hope one day the spell is cast again.

That the spell will break down the walls you’ve built around yourself and you’ll let me back inside.

Your heart was a warm safe place to be.
I knew I was safe, protected, and deeply loved.

I’m so cold now.
So lonely and afraid.
Tears fall from my eyes every morning and night.

I miss you.

I miss you